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The messenger of God was waiting to take me to the spiritual world, which we have access to only through our spirits.
At that moment, I saw the throne room of God.
Only a few angels stood before Him. It was quiet and silent. There were no praises, nor songs, but only reverence for the heavenly Father.
I wondered why this vision was different from my other visions of His throne. Immediately, I received the answer: the Lord can abide in several spiritual dimensions at the same time (Psalm 139:7-12).
The Father was currently welcoming all the souls of unborn children into His loving hands in this place. God, as the true Father, is always accepting rejected souls, giving them a place they can call home.
Then I saw a little soul in His hand. The angels had just brought her from the earth. Everything was ready for the unborn soul to be accepted into heaven.
God gave the child a choice: to either stay with Him in heaven or return to the earth.
As I watched, I witnessed a conversation without words between this little soul and the Father—an intimate dialogue of their hearts. I knew that this soul was a victim of an abortion. Yet she had another chance. Her body remained in her mother’s womb, even though it was dead.
At that moment, it was not given to me to know the entire conversation between God and the innocent soul. I knew, though, that she’d decided to go back to the earth.
Then she turned toward her guardian angels and said, “Don’t give up on me!”
With these words, she was taken back to a hostile life of rejection, pain, and loneliness on the earth.
“Irene, do you know who this child is?” the messenger of God asked me.
I could not answer him.
“This was you,” he said.
I still remember the day when my mother came to me with her confession. The burden of her guilt had become too much for her to handle anymore. As she confessed, she asked me for forgiveness.
At that time, I was already in my twenties, but I’d never known the truth about my birth. Once, years before, I had asked my mother about my real father. She lied to me, making up a story about some man. I finally learned the truth the day of her confession.
She’d met my father at a dance, which resulted in a one-night stand. The use of alcohol that night had affected much of her memory about the details; she was not even sure of his name. Later she found out that she was pregnant but did not think much about it. After visiting the doctor, she obtained abortion pills. She took them, believing she’d solved her problem. She bled a lot and felt confident that her pregnancy had been terminated. However, several weeks later, she realized that I remained alive.
Then something changed within her, and she decided to give birth to me, to let me live—even as the memory of another abortion resurfaced in her mind. The lifeless body of a boy had been thrown away. My mother faced a life of sorrow and guilt.
This news came like an avalanche into my life. There were no tears, and there were no emotions. At that time, I did not know how to react to my mother’s confession. It brought her relief from the burden of this sin. However, for me, it uncovered my own memories of the attempted abortion. What had been hidden in my subconscious was now brought to my conscious mind. The wounds of rejection and past traumas opened again. I had to face the reality of past brutality at the hands of my mother. The pain that I’d tried to suppress all my life was then released in full force.
Since that day, I have been on a long journey to reconcile my past and to forgive my mother and father. Surviving the attempted abortion came with a heavy price, which few people will understand. The cruelty of that attempted abortion damaged my soul and my health. For my entire life, I have carried this pain: I was born into it, I grew up with it, and I don’t know what life is like without it. Only once, for a fleeting moment while I was praying, did the heavenly Father let me feel no such pain. Only then did I realize the cruelty of my past, which had left deep scars in my soul. After this experience, I understood that I needed His healing. Although God can easily heal the body, healing of the soul takes much longer. Only after twenty years had passed was I ready to start this journey of inner healing with God, for no person in this world was able to help me anymore.
For a long time, I searched for inner restoration. One day, the heavenly Father brought me to a place of such healing revelation. It was then that I started to have many visions of God’s kingdom and daily encounters with the Lord and His heavenly messengers.
Learning about the lives of unborn souls helped me to understand myself. Gaining access to the healing power in the heavenly realm helped me to overcome my past. I became acquainted with many saints and angels who encouraged me to share the story of my journey. Although I am still living on the earth, I view my heavenly Father’s house as my real home. One day, I will be reunited with Him and my dear heavenly family.
My mother’s confession shed some light on many questions I had been unable to find answers for. Although we had both come to Christ and been changed by the power of the Lord, something had always remained between us, something unresolved that kept our relationship rocky.
Many people believe that, before their births, babies do not understand anything and have no memories of the past. On the contrary, the soul of any human being will start its memory bank from the time of conception. Yes, there are many things a baby cannot understand and comprehend; for instance, there is no knowledge of good or evil. Yet from the instant of conception, the baby’s mind records its mother’s every sound, every movement, and every feeling. If the mother becomes sick, the baby experiences this too. If the mother is frightened, the baby will also feel fear. Rejection, love, neglect, and indifference: these all become part of the baby’s life. These experiences before birth will form the baby’s future life outside of the womb. Negative or positive, everything is imprinted, as if on a blank piece of paper.
One of my first experiences of existence was the trauma of attempted abortion. It certainly affected me, but I could only guess as to why I felt different from other children during my childhood. And even before I learned about the abortion attempt, I was troubled in my subconscious mind by my relationship with my mother.
Later I realized that I was having a hard time forgiving my mother. Yes, I understood that a believer should forgive others. Yet, while it was easy to say that I forgave her, deep down, my heart had no reconciliation. Some may be quick to judge me for this, but many people struggle in the same way.
Forgiveness is a fruit of the Spirit. It is not a fruit of the flesh. As I grew in the Messiah, in His way of life, my capacity to forgive grew with it. Forgiveness was a process that involved more than just my lips and my mind. It involved my heart and all of me. You cannot forgive in fullness without experiencing the grace of Yeshua (Jesus) in your own life.
When I became born again in the Spirit, I started to write a new page within my heart: the experience of His kingdom, His life, and His love.
My real breakthrough came when I started to have a close relationship with Yeshua. The more I focused on Him, the more I outwardly reflected His image within me. Yeshua is full of forgiveness and grace.
I realized that for me to truly forgive, I had to identify with Yeshua on the cross, when, while dying, He said, “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34 WEB). It took me some time to let go of my inner pain and struggling and to reach out to Yeshua for the grace that I needed for myself.
When you are really experiencing His presence, then all self-righteousness will fade away like a fog. There will be no place for self-pity. His light will shine through the very inner part of your soul and reveal everything you have within you. You will stop comparing yourself to others and realize that we all fall short before Christ.
Just as I continue to encourage myself in this area, I encourage you as well: let go of bitterness and self-inflicted inner pain; let it go, and let true righteous judgment reconcile you with those who have wronged you.
I realize now that we are all victims of a giant deception. The lies of Satan have kept us in bondage for a long time, but it is Satan who was the real murderer from the very beginning. It is he who is my true enemy. It is he against whom there will be final revenge. God will reward us for all earthly losses. He will do this in some very wonderful and unimaginable ways, which I’ve had a chance to glimpse just a little. This is what awaits all of us who have chosen to enter into His kingdom of grace and love and holiness.
When we start out on a journey with Yeshua, each of us has a different experience. Yet all of us have one destination and one goal: the kingdom of heaven and spiritual fullness in the Messiah. We all have a starting point when we come to Him. We all are going to be rewarded in the future, after our lives on the earth have come to an end. Yet, unlike in the physical world where most people grow and mature at approximately the same pace, in the spiritual realm each individual soul matures at its own pace. Spiritual maturity is not measured by the number of years we have walked with Christ but by our experiences and our choices. Sometimes a believer may be stuck in spiritual infancy and, even after many years, still need to drink spiritual milk because he or she would choke on real spiritual meat (see Hebrews 5:11-14). At other times, a young person who really loves God may manifest profound wisdom and spiritual understanding without any training in theology.
In my case, my spiritual walk was not a fast one. It began when I came to Christ and started to attend a good, conservative church. However, not many young people attended that church, so I felt lonely. I prayed to God to send me a good Christian friend. One day as I was asking God about this, I heard a voice saying, “I want to be your friend.” The voice was not audible; it came as a gentle breeze that filled my heart. I heard it not with my physical ears but with the inner ears of my spirit. I stopped praying and started to think about what had just happened. I knew that this voice had not come from me. I also knew that this voice was full of love. Deep down, I knew that it was Yeshua. He was standing at the door of my heart and wanted to have fellowship with me. I answered this voice, saying aloud, “Yes, Yeshua, I want to have You as my friend.” I continue to count this as one of the best moments of my life.
Since that experience, my life has had many turns and many ups and downs, but He has never left me or forsaken me. He has always been with me. Even when I could not hear Him anymore, He was there, faithful to His word to me about desiring to be my friend.
Also, the gift of prophecy did not come to me in a single day. At first, I had some dreams and visions. Many of them were personal or for my family. I never dared to call myself a prophet or a prophetic minister. For some reason, I even tried to avoid talking about my gifting in church. But over the years, it became more frequent, and my spiritual experiences became more powerful. The more I grew in Yeshua, the more my gifting grew with me.
After twenty years of walking with Christ, the dynamic of my visions changed. On that day, I had a vision in which Yeshua took me by the hand and showed me His kingdom—the kingdom of heaven. I did not behold this vision with my physical eyes but with my spiritual eyes, and I was not in my body but in my spirit. Since then, I have had many wonderful journeys with Him and many amazing revelations.
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